Friday Rant #1

Flame Thrower Bike Unveiled.

The flame-thrower was included as 52% of cyclists named ”cars and lorries passing too close” as their number one complaint. So the bike’s handlebars are fitted with a specially-designed flame-thrower to fire towards vehicles that get too close.

I realise that every cyclist in the world will hate me for this but, as a car driver, (most) cyclists really piss me off! Before all you two-wheelers out there kick off I know cars and lorries get too close and sadly there are a huge amount of twats in possession of a driving licence. If you can’t get past a bike without a clear enough view of the road ahead and a clear enough road to be able to give them a wide berth then wait! A few minutes added onto your journey isn’t going to kill you but impatience and getting stupidly close to a cyclist might kill someone – I agree with cyclists as far as that particular gripe goes but…


  1. Red Lights apply to you too – if you want to cycle on the road take some notice of the bloody highway code, it applies to all road users not just those with four wheels. If you jump a red light and get knocked off your bike then don’t complain. You didn’t have right of way and it’s your own stupid fault – and it’s going to hurt you a lot more than it’s ever going to hurt the car.
  2. If you’re going to turn stick out the appropriate hand then the car behind you might have a clue about what you intend to do and slow down/pass on the correct side. If you bother to read the Highway code there’s a whole section about stopping distances. It’s true, at 30mph it takes approximately 23 meters, 75 feet or 6 car lengths to stop. You might want to bear that in mind when you decide you suddenly want to turn right and fail to let the car behind you know of your plans. (Please see #1)
  3. I’m all for getting fit but if you’re cycling just for health, and you’re a little slow, or a little wobbly may I suggest you don’t cycle for exercise or ‘fun’ during rush hour! It’s never a good idea to ‘dominate the road’ when people are trying to get to work on time, rush hour is called that for a reason – people rush, including people in cars and lorries. They need to be somewhere on a deadline and a red-faced, sweaty cyclist incapable of cycling in anything close to a straight line is never going to encourage patience and understanding. (see #1)
  4. Just because you are on a bike you are not exempt from give way lines, stop signs, box junctions, traffic lights, One way streets, level crossings, zebra crossings, filter lanes etc. If you decide to ignore them don’t complain if I hit you – I’m taking notice of the signs and you shouldn’t be there!
  5. Hold onto the handlebars with both hands. If you want to be a stunt rider do it at a fairground, or circus or somewhere that when you hit that inevitable pot hole and lose control you don’t mess up my car, and my day, by falling underneath it!
  6. And finally – why, WHY do people want to stick their children in a basket on the back? I really don’t get it. Even if every car/van/lorry driver on the face of this earth suddenly becomes the safest driver on the face of this planet what if you just fall off – it can happen, even without an idiot car driver getting involved. Surely your child deserves more protection than a Ben 10 cycle helmet?

Rant over.

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